For(eclosure) The Birds

It is one of my dreams to own a home.

But this will probably never happen because of the way the economy is, especially for people in their 20s, and the housing market in general. Growing up, my mother was always moving us from place to place to escape my father. When she remarried, we moved again. When my parents divorced 12 years later, we moved again. We moved multiple times after high school and on. Because of the amount of moving I’ve had to endure while growing up, I’ve never felt like I had a home. So many young people eventually move away and yearn for their childhood home. I don’t have a childhood home. Because of this, it makes my want for my own house even more intense, and yet it scares me because I worry even then, when I own a home, that I won’t feel at home.

People talk alot about needing both parents, about needing a stable family, all these things to grow up. First of all, you can have a single parent and turn out fine. You can even have a family that’s a bit unstable and turn out fine. I think the one that a child needs is a home. If a child never feels like they belong somewhere, like they belong where they live, then they’ll never feel comfortable or at home anywhere they go their entire life. It’s just another thing for me to chock up on my list of ‘why I’m screwed in life’. The closest I’ve ever felt to home was my girlfriend and I living at her parents for the past year. But think about that. I’m 26 and that’s the closest a home has ever felt to me. And this isn’t one that I can easily rally against and rise up from. This one makes me feel unwelcome anywhere and everywhere. Apartments I inhabit, homes I wish to buy, anywhere, they all come with a “for limited time guarantee” in my mind because I always end up having to leave after a while. That’s not a very good feeling to live with.

What’s worse is that this feeling of not belonging anywhere also extends to people. I always feel people are going to leave. When you grow up with loss and rejection and change being such an enormous part of your upbringing, it makes you cautious and wary of everyone around you. When people leave so easily so often, when you never feel like you’re going to be staying in one place too long, you start to block yourself off from everyone and everywhere. Why bother getting comfortable, feeling safe, when people and places are going to go away? It’s a real problem I’m still trying to get past.

It is one of my dreams to own a home.

Unfortunately, like most dreams, they don’t come true.

 

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