I’ve muddied the waters of my consciousness with insecurities and delusions, anxieties and intrusions, turning the once clear crystal blue lakes of my mind into dark brown sludge that no positive imagery can wade through. Whatever once lived in these fresh water feelings have long since drowned and floated to the surface; happiness is a bait we all take, never realizing on the other end is misery, masking itself as something else until it’s too late.
I once marveled at the heat that radiated from the fireplace, warming my hands like magic. Everything was magic. I once ran through grass in rain, laughter shrill and strained; nothing made sense at a time, and that was what made it fun, nothing makes sense now and that’s what makes me pained. I’ve drowned my good memories, grabbed them by the roots of their hair and held them under for too long, until the bubbles stop coming. I cannot have good thoughts, they take up too much space. I have too many demons to face, I need the room for negativity and disgrace.
A rowboat? No. An entire boat. That’s what it’d take to get through this moat. To sail swiftly through these troubled waters, these thrashing waves of sadness, these crashing waves, the madness. I’d need a crew, a shipmate or two, to fix the mess that I’ve created. To haul out from this ocean all the dead noise, all the forgotten years. Everything I drowned, I tossed in carelessly without a thought; who knew it couldn’t swim. That’s not my fault. We’ll spend the days harpooning every last remaining feeling, every emotion, until they’re hunted to extinction. We’ll get into the diving bell, and sink on through this hell, fight our way through the darkest depths and then the cycle can start anew. Better thoughts. Brighter thoughts
A better me for the better you.