This Won’t Hurt A Bit: Tax The Dead

this won't hurt a bit(2)I was at the hospital last week, handing some paperwork over to someone in the morgue, when they filled me in on a little bit of information I wasn’t yet privy to. They’re bringing back the dead, so they can tax them. That’s right. It wasn’t enough to cure mortality, now they’re reanimating people so they can continue taxing them. They had a waiting room in the back already filled with 5 or 6 people they’d brought back and fixed back up. Now, obviously, these couldn’t be people who’d died very violently. There’s no guys walking around with their head split open like everything’s fine. These are people who died from disease, old age, shit like that. It was finally formally announced on the news yesterday evening. The governments stance was that these are people who were taking up space while doing nothing (hence, ya know, being dead and all), and had an entire business industry (the funeral industry, morticians, etc.) tied to their “condition” (ya know, the condition of fucking death), so they should have to pay their fair share like everyone else.

This just proves the point that human beings are no longer seen as anything other than a product. That’s how it was with the insurance industry, even well before this whole undead epidemic began. People advertising life insurance are selling us to the life insurance companies. The life insurance isn’t the product. We are. And speaking of life insurance, there’s another entire industry going down the tubes. Who needs such a thing when you can’t die? People are dumping their life insurance left and right. Health insurance as well. Why not? What’s it matter? We’re immortal now. I cannot tell you how many people I see in a given day at work who don’t have health insurance. I mean, that number was always really high anyway because the health care industry is such a sham, but you know what I’m trying to say. So yeah, they’re taxing the dead. Here’s a bit from an actual article I read this morning on the entire matter from noted zine “American Thief” journalist Amanda Shriver:

The biggest problem, Mr. Duvall ensured me, was deciding whether or not to treat the previously dead like the a newborn. Technically, they had ceased to exist, much like an unborn child, and so when they were brought back, it was a big discussion on whether or not to allow them to be claimed as dependents on their families tax forms, much like children are for the first 18 years of their life, and if so, how long would they stay independents? This was brought down by the technicality that unlike children, these were people who, while yes they’d ceased to exist for a period of time, had lived full lives and were still adults, so there’s no reason to not tax them.

I guess this is just capitalism at its purest form. Literally taxing those who have moved to another plane of existence. They used to say the only things in life that were certain were death and taxes, and boy howdy did I never realize how true that statement would become.

Shriver’s excellent article, titled “Death: A Commodity”, can be read in this months American Thief zine from your local print shop. In fact, I may even just post the entire thing here for my next entry. But she’s right. Death used to cancel out taxes, but now that we can cancel out death, nothing can stop us. Listen to me, I work in a hospital, okay? I see people die every single day. They want to go with dignity. Now they can’t even go with that because they know as soon as they’re gone, they’ll be brought right back, fixed right up and taxed all over again. There’s no end to this cycle. As if we didn’t treat the ill poorly enough to begin with, now we’re trying to tax them, all under the guise of “giving them a second chance at life” when so many of them are done with it in the first place. My mother used to tell me that by the time you get to be in your 70s or 80s, you’re so tired, you’re so ready to move on, that you’re no longer afraid of death. Or at least not in the way you once were. Now people aren’t scared of death. They’re scared of being brought back to life.

I know I’m just a nurse. I know I’m not anyone anybody should be listening to, but I am on the frontlines of life and death day in and day out, and let me tell you, everything we used to know is gone. Now, if you commit suicide, which is technically a crime, they can bring you back and sue you for it. They will throw you in jail for having successfully killed yourself. A living will is no longer just a ridiculous combination of words. It’s now literal. We are unstoppable. We are immortal. We are indestructible.

And the worst is only just beginning.

“This Won’t Hurt A Bit: Memoirs From A Post Medical World” is a satirical health column created & written by Maggie Taylor. If you enjoy this, you might like her fiction, her webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry” or her new site “Sad Party” where she encourages others to share their sadness so others feel better. You can also donate to her SquareCash.


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