0

Birds My Father Hated Trailer

Here it is, the trailer for my new fictional podcast series, “BIRDS MY FATHER HATED”, which follows a young, autistic woman named Mavis Salmon who loves birds and hates her dead father, who just happened to hate birds. As always, for episodes a week early, subscribe to my Patreon for as low as a buck a month!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the satirical online newspaper of “Nowhere, US”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip.

Wanna donate to me directly? You can do that via PayPal! Wanna support me ongoing month to month and get content early? You can do that via Patreon! Thanks for whatever you can spare, I really appreciate it!

Advertisements
0

Bereavement BBQ

The other night, my girlfriend and I went to dinner at a burger restaurant in the mall near our house. With my fries, they gave me some BBQ sauce that was fantastic and delicious, so my girlfriend asked what brand it was, and our server told us. When we got home, my girlfriend looked up the brand and found their website, and on their website discovered “bereavement platters”, which was just an absolutely hilarious combination of words, to be honest. But, it made me think that there’s a part of funeral services nobody ever really talks about; catering.

I’ve been to a few funerals in my time, and I can’t remember a single time they were catered. I remember after my grandfathers funeral, we all went out to dinner at his favorite restaurant, but nothing was catered. Then again, I suppose you might need to have an actual wake in order to have funeral catering. Either way, it made me think about how, even before you’re in the ground, they’re making plans to eat at your funeral. Life goes on, even hours or a day after you’re gone. It makes me feel so insignificant, but not in a bad way for once. It makes me feel like, listen, you’re here while you’re here, experiencing what you experience, and once that’s over, it’s over, and life just keeps going. Everything we think is so important, so crucial, it really doesn’t mean anything in the end, at least not in the long term.

Yes we impact people, yes we change lives, yes we leave a legacy of some kind. But you know what’s more important than any of that?

Tiny 4 cheese quiches on doilies. That’s what.

But in all seriousness, funeral catering really hammered home to me just how fucking fleeting and unimportant all of this really is. All the things I worry about, all the things I hope to achieve, all the things I’ve failed at. It all fails to match up to the fact that my hopes, my dreams, my goals will one day be secondary to my future wife spending the day on the phone, making sure there’s enough cocktail weenies to go around at my wake. It puts everything into perspective, but in a really good way. It makes me not feel so bad about not accomplishing things, about failing at things, because you know what? Somebody’s most important decision one day will be what sort of drinks to serve when I kick it, and that’s pretty hilarious.

I may create a menu, in fact, so that my future wife knows exactly what to serve. My funeral may be the only thing in my life that I have total and complete say over how it goes, so why not plan it down to its every last detail before I die? I want lots of desserts, I want napkins folded like swans, I want peoples meals to be served on trashcan lids, because everything we eat is garbage, so why not be upfront about it?

So, via the odd realization of funeral catering, I feel like I’ve finally had a breakthrough of some kind, in which I don’t worry as much now about failing, or succeeding, and am just happy being, right here, right now.

Because one day I won’t be.

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the satirical online newspaper of “Nowhere, US”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip.

Wanna donate to me directly? You can do that via PayPal! Wanna support me ongoing month to month and get content early? You can do that via Patreon! Thanks for whatever you can spare, I really appreciate it!

0

Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality: Episode 10 “Oh, It’s You”

In the 1st season finale, Samantha and USER 147 say their goodbyes until their next session begins, and just when it seems like a somewhat happy ending, USER 147 blows the lid off it all with a revelation that’ll change their relationship forever…

Thank you to everyone who supported this podcast via my Patreon, or listening to the public releases here, it was a slog but I am truly proud of this project and can’t wait to return for Season 2! Thanks to my good friend Tasha Black for lending her ever wonderful voice for the role of USER 147, and much much thanks to my good friend Joshua Stephens for allowing me to use his cover of a song as the end credits! You can find more of his music at the bandcamp page for this episode. Check him out, he’s fantastic.

Thanks again and I sincerely hope you’ve enjoyed listening to this as much as I enjoyed making it.

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the satirical online newspaper of “Nowhere, US”, or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip.

Wanna donate to me directly? You can do that via PayPal! Wanna support me ongoing month to month and get content early? You can do that via Patreon! Wanna support me but can’t do it continuously? You can do that via Buy Me A Coffee! Thanks for whatever you can spare, I really appreciate it!

0

I Am So Sick Of Being Told I’m Sick

I spent years telling people I wasn’t depressed. Even after I was finally diagnosed with severe clinical depression (among other things), I still claimed denial to everyone who asked. I thought it was dirty. I thought being sick was a bad thing. I thought this mostly because it’s exactly how society frames it, so of course that’s how I’d read into it. So, I denied being depressed for years, ultimately eventually even tricking myself into believing it, which is really dangerous because then when I did suffer from symptoms of said depression, I’d just think to myself, “Why do I feel this bad? What’s going on here?” when there was a clearly labeled answer staring me right back in the face.

Once you get past the initial feelings regarding your sickness, and accept that you’re sick and that it’s totally okay to be sick and not something to be ashamed of, that’s when you’re really moving onto better things. Staying stagnant in my denial just made me even worse than if I’d just faced my depression head on. It really did way more damage than the depression itself did. Once I acknowledged my sickness, it opened doors for me, like how to discover what coping mechanisms worked best for me.

But this isn’t just a personal problem. I felt bad because society told me I should feel bad. We even call depression an “illness”, for god sakes. I think what we need to start with first is literally stopping society from condemning the ill simply for being seemingly different from everyone else. That’s the first step in treating these illnesses. This isn’t something I brought onto myself or chose to have. This is just something that happened to me, against my will. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad for something I literally couldn’t stop from happening, and that’s, not gonna sugarcoat it, heavily damaged my life.

It’s affected the way “friends” have seen me, the way my family has treated me and the way I view myself by comparison because of those said reactions. I want to get better, but much like AA, I have to first admit I have a problem. That’s been the hardest step for me, honestly, but the most crucial. I wanted to deny it for so long, and I did, and I only did more damage to myself. Now I’m ready to grow. I’m ready to fight back.

I’m ready to be okay with being sick.

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the satirical online newspaper of “Nowhere, US”, my podcast “Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip.

Wanna donate to me directly? You can do that via PayPal! Wanna support me ongoing month to month and get content early? You can do that via Patreon! Wanna support me but can’t do it continuously? You can do that via Buy Me A Coffee! Thanks for whatever you can spare, I really appreciate it!

0

Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality: Episode 9 “The Sum Of Your Problems”

In the penultimate episode of Season 1, Samantha finally diagnoses USER 147, and makes some rather surprising decisions regarding her own future.

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the satirical online newspaper of “Nowhere, US”, or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip.

Wanna donate to me directly? You can do that via PayPal! Wanna support me ongoing month to month and get content early? You can do that via Patreon! Wanna support me but can’t do it continuously? You can do that via Buy Me A Coffee! Thanks for whatever you can spare, I really appreciate it!

0

1,095 Days

It’s Sunday, February 11th, 2018, which means it’s officially mine and my girlfriends 3 year anniversary. 3 years ago, I moved in with her and we became an official couple. I’m still boggled by this happening, to be totally honest with you. Look, for the cause of transparency, before this current girlfriend, I dated another girl for 5 years solid, and it was a very serious, wonderful relationship, but I always declared myself as incredibly lucky to have found someone willing to put up with me, especially given my upbringing and how screwed up I was at that time in particular.

After that relationship ended, I sort of coasted for a bit, having a date here or there, but didn’t really date again seriously until this current girlfriend, when we met near the end of October back in 2014. By that point in time, while I’d grown a lot simply because I was older now, I also was even more messed up than I was when my previous girlfriend had met me, so I was really unsure of how this one would handle things. When my previous girlfriend and I met, my parents were splitting up after 12 years (it was a 2nd marriage for them both), my grandmother had just died, both dogs had died and I was coming off my first serious relationship with a girl I’d been with for barely a year. I was damaged by my family and childhood, but I was mostly damaged by the situation I found myself in at that exact moment in time. Once that moment in time passed, I wasn’t actually all that screwed up anymore, though I still had the trauma and depression I’d always had. In fact, at one point, my girlfriend of 5 years even said to me, “When we met, you were very broken and I wanted to fix you. Now that you’re a lot better, I don’t know what to do.”

I admit, that kinda hurt, but I understand and I’ve never held it against her by any means. I loved her, I still do love her in a lot of ways, as we’re still very close friends and we both felt it was worth it to stay in one anothers lives. Our breakup was rather amiable and easy to deal with for the most part.

But, by the time I’d met this current girlfriend in 2014, I was coming off a host of other shit; a bad summer fling, nonstop years of emotional and psychological abuse from my mother, my official coming out ruining things even more, so on and so forth, and that’s on top of the depression and trauma I’d always had. So now I was like, “Okay, there’s no way this girl is going to put up with my pathetic, broken ass”, but it turns out she was pretty pathetic and broken herself, and I don’t mean that as in a bad way, I meant that in a way of she really understood me and still does. We’ve recovered together. People often use a term called Trauma Bonding to refer to this sort of relationship, often calling it unhealthy even, but what we have is not unhealthy. We’re very happy together, we love each other greatly, we’ve only sort of fought a bit in this last 6 months or so mostly because of our current living situation through this past summer which has now all but resolved itself for the most part and things are really good again. This isn’t Trauma Bonding.

This is just love.

I don’t deny Trauma Bonding is a thing, by any means. It 100% is, but this isn’t what we have. What we have is a foundation of strength and perseverance and trust built on shaky grounds of scarred adolescences and painful youth and self hatred. We’ve learned to hate ourselves less because of the love we see each other have for the other one. I’m not saying we’re “cured” or that our love has some magical healing power that’s absolved us of our problems. I’m just saying that we are better off because we are together. We have helped one another become better by being in love, yes, but it’s also taken a lot of working on ourselves as well. A lot of introspective analysis, which I’ve done by using this blog to take a very in depth look at myself and pick myself apart, and realizing that it does indeed take more than a single person to make yourself better. So yes, one person can’t completely fix you.

But they can damn sure love you and help you grow, and that’s definitely worth it.

Hey guys, I’m running a promo on my fiction collection, “Nice Girls Don’t Burn Ants” over at Payhip until Monday! By using this coupon code (G21PYKRRPK) you can get the collection for 25% off, all thanks to my 3 year anniversary with my girlfriend! Now’s the time to snag it!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the satirical online newspaper of “Nowhere, US”, my podcast “Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip.

Wanna donate to me directly? You can do that via PayPal! Wanna support me ongoing month to month and get content early? You can do that via Patreon! Wanna support me but can’t do it continuously? You can do that via Buy Me A Coffee! Thanks for whatever you can spare, I really appreciate it!

0

Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality: Episode 8 “Macaroni Art”

This week, Samantha Gold tells USER 147 about art camp, and has a complete emotional breakdown.

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the satirical online newspaper of “Nowhere, US”, or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip.

Wanna donate to me directly? You can do that via PayPal! Wanna support me ongoing month to month and get content early? You can do that via Patreon! Wanna support me but can’t do it continuously? You can do that via Buy Me A Coffee! Thanks for whatever you can spare, I really appreciate it!