I have never been an extroverted person.
Now I’m somehow even less of one. Honestly, at this point, even just the mere thought of interacting with another human being, especially after how they’ve treated me this past year, makes me sick to my stomach. I no longer wish to get to know anyone. I don’t care what their hobbies or interests are, what their thoughts on anything might be, what foods they may enjoy, or anything of the sort. I do not care. I could not care less. I just want to be left the hell alone. I am so goddamned angry at the entire world now that I would be 100% perfectly fine being alone for the remainder of my life, or just living it out with only my girlfriend at my side.
People are liars. People are unreliable. People are manipulative. Even if they don’t mean to be these things, they are, and they’re often so embarrassed for being them that they take it personally when you bring it up, so they’ll defend themselves for the shitty actions, and really there’s no reason to have that or any other conversation. I know. I know this must make me sound like a cold, heartless bitch, but you have to understand where I’m coming from. 97% of the people I have dealt with throughout my life, including people I thought I was extremely close to and considered important to me, hurt me in some way or another, including people this year who I thought would never turn on me. And I know, I know, it’s “unhealthy” to still feel this way and to write people off as a whole because just a large amount have been bad to me, but consider this.
I don’t care.
I’m not trying to be rude. I just…I don’t have the ability to care anymore, literally. I have become so depressed, so deeply sick, that I no longer care about anything; about myself, about my health, about anything around me, about my work, about the lack of interest in my work, about my ‘friendships’, etc. It’s not like I don’t want to care. I literally cannot care. I am exhausted and overworked and completely used up. I really…I just hate people so, so very much. These days, I keep my headphones on, sit in my bed all day and try not to sob the entire time. I try to interact with the world surrounding me as little as possible, and a lot of that is because how other people have treated me, especially within the past year.
I want to be better. Deep inside I do, I can feel it, I can feel that itching to be a better, healthier person; someone who isn’t held back by their trauma and is instead working to move forward and get better. I thought I was becoming that person. But no. Instead I’m going to end the year that was supposed to be a step forward as 14 steps backwards. I wanted so badly to make progress, but that just isn’t something I can achieve. I’ve come to accept that. These days, I’m mad at the fact that I even have to wake up, because it means dealing with everything for another miserable 24 hours, and that’s horrid enough of a thought. I thought that perhaps sharing my feelings here may help, but nobody ever interacts, just like with my work, and so I don’t really have anyone. I’m not even “over it all”. I’m just too damn tired to be over it all. I’d LOVE to be over it all, but I can’t even muster the enthusiasm for that.
That’s the thing about being hurt for so long by so many people…it exhausts you to the point where recovery isn’t even a viable option anymore. Now I just exist. I try and get through each day without crying too much and ignoring as many people around me as possible. If I don’t have to talk to anyone and don’t cry too much, I consider that a successful day. That’s where I’m at. I’m sorry to sound like such a bitch. I’m just too tired to even make this entire post sound coherent. I’m just so fucking tired.
So very fucking tired.
I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!