Over the last year or so, my girlfriend and I have acquired multiple big kitchen appliances like a crockpot, a dehydrator, an electric kettle, a popcorn popper and a blender. The problem with this is that they’re all in our tiny bedroom that we rent in a house with other people. So, we own all the appliances and furniture necessary to outfit a small apartment, but we cannot get the apartment.
I know this is going to sound super negative, but I feel like we’re preparing for a life we’re never going to attain. I don’t want to sound that low, but it’s how I feel. We’ve tried so much in the last year to survive, to move up and make things better, and NOTHING has worked. It’s fucking depressing. I’ve essentially given up hope, which is something one should not do in these sorts of situations, but it’s where I’m at, so. But this problem extends far beyond this year. This isn’t just contained to this one bedroom. I’ve talked before about how weird it is to try and make a life when you didn’t expect to live to be this old, but aside from that, I also have always felt like I was preparing for a life I would never have.
I have always had a problem with being in the present. I was always thinking about what was coming up. When I wasn’t planning on ending my life, I was trying to figure out how my life would turn out. The problem is, I couldn’t see a solution to either one. It was like looking down a forked path in the woods and somehow both lead to a fogged up dense thicket that eventually leads you to walk right off a goddamned cliff. So because I couldn’t be in the present, and was always thinking about the future (or lack thereof), I never prepared to have a future. I never did the things necessary, once I knew I wasn’t going to die, to make sure my life got better. I just sort of…existed. Do you know what that state is like? To just sorta…be? It’s weird, dude.
You don’t really participate in anything because you see your life as becoming one thing, so you don’t wanna do anything that could become a detriment to that vision, so you just float along, taking in whatever’s going on around you. Dealing with things as they come. Never actually planning for anything, just wishing they were different. Wishing they were how they should be. It didn’t help that my parents didn’t prepare me for jack shit. Nobody taught me to drive, so nobody helped me get my license, so I was stuck wherever they went. I couldn’t work so I was stuck with my mother for much longer than I should’ve been, given how she treated me, and it was awful. I couldn’t leave. That’s when I started realizing I wasn’t solely to blame for my lack of a future. You can’t put together a dresser when nobody ever gave you the tools to start.
These days, I do my art (that nobody seems to notice) and I make sure to take care of the things I have to on a daily basis. Taking out the trash, feeding the dogs, etc. Now I’m trying to be in the moment. I’m trying to think, “the future will come, and there’s things I can try and do to prepare for it, to create it, but it’s not here yet, so there’s no point in obsessing over it.” It’s helped a little, but I still have my doubts, because that’s the thing about anxiety and depression and abuse all rolled into one. You’re never absolutely certain things will work out, even just a bit. You’re always just sorta expecting things to go to shit at all times. But I’m working on it. I’m working on me.
But the funniest part is that because nobody else ever taught me to do anything, how to prepare for anything, that it means I’ve had to do it all myself, sans some help from my girlfriend. Where I once felt I wasn’t worth enough to be loved and helped, now I feel “hey, you did this for yourself, you didn’t need them, you can do this!” and it helps fix my broken self esteem. So okay mom and dad, maybe I wasn’t important enough to you. But I should be important enough to me.
You might’ve made me hate myself, but I’m working on liking myself, and that makes me a better person than you will ever be.
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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the new season of my podcast “Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality”, or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!