I don’t know how to properly wash a dish.
Let’s start with that. My parents, in their infinite wisdom, prepared their children for many things in life. But I guess preparing them for things like, oh, daily life activities that even a brain damaged sea turtle could accomplish just fucking slipped their mind. Actually, I honestly believe they never taught me anything, especially my mother, because they needed me to be dependent on them so I, in turn, could never leave them, and, in turn, always be controlled by them. This may sound vitriolic. This post may come across as verbose. And then another “V” word. But here’s the thing…I don’t know shit.
The few things I actually seem like I DO know I know because I taught myself them, back when I still had the capacity to learn and retain new information. Things like film/audio editing and website design, shit like that, but nothing that actually helps on a day to day basis, like, ya know, cooking. Because of this, I’m super dependent on my girlfriend, to the point where I feel like a selfish piece of shit. I feel like a child, and it’s depressing, because I’m a 29 year old girl and I can’t even make myself dinner most times unless it’s something I can cook in a toaster oven or microwave, and even then it’s questionable. This is just so depressing, and I hate it, but I have no real way to fix it, which makes things all the more depressing.
I want to know things. I want to learn. I want to be able to take care of myself. But fundamental things (and I’ve talked about this before, I recognize, but never in this depth I feel), like washing my hair, cleaning a dish and doing my laundry? All shit I know I am either doing wrong or am scared I cannot do at all. One of these things, though, that I never bring up, is being in love. I am constantly certain that I cannot love properly, and that the way I love is completely wrong. It’s bad enough to feel disconnected from society for being a lesbian, but it’s even worse to add this on top of that. As someone of the LGBT community, I’m already told constantly, despite all the acceptance there seems to be these days, that the way I love someone is wrong, so to then believe I can’t love someone wrong for other reasons on top of that is just…man it’s exhausting. I am always sure I am being cruel and unloving, even if I’m constantly told I am not. I am convinced that I am abusive, even though I know full well I am not, and even my girlfriend tells me that’s a ridiculous thing to think.
But because nobody ever taught me anything, I question everything I do know, or think I know. The worst thing my parents ever did to me, more than all the other terrible shit, was not teach me a single fucking thing, because it convinced me that I just wasn’t important enough to teach. That I wouldn’t do anything right anyway, so why bother teaching me anything. And sure, some of it can be chocked up to my autism, I won’t deny it, because some of them are basic motor functions, but still…
…I’m so tired guys. I’m really so tired of feeling wrong in every possible way. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m existing incorrectly simply because I can’t, oh I don’t know, tie my shoes. It’s exhausting to be handheld through things everyone else seems to know and do with ease. Things a person SHOULD be able to grasp, such simple concepts, like washing a piece of fruit. I’m so tired of this, yes, but you know what I’m even more tired of?
Feeling bad for feeling bad. I’m so goddamned tired of thinking, “Well, I can’t do this, so clearly I must be stupid, and I should feel bad for it.” No. I shouldn’t feel bad for it. Nobody can do everything, and I can’t do anything, but that doesn’t mean I should feel bad because of it. I still get up every day and try, no matter how poorly I may do things, and that’s a hell of a lot more than I thought I’d ever do. I keep trying, even if trying means failing, because to not try means I’m right and I AM bad at everything. I’m tired of feeling bad because I’m told I should feel bad if I can’t do these things.
Believe me, if any of us should feel bad here, it’s the people who tell me I should feel bad.
I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!