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Fish Tank Episode 1 “Pilot”

This is the pilot episode of a new video series titled “FISH TANK” in which a young graphic designer named Lynette Bochco gives updates about her life over calming videos of fish, set to jazz. Enjoy.

If you like this video and wanna help fund more episodes or other projects like it, subscribe to my Patreon for as low as a dollar a month!

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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How Are You Today: Season 1 Episode 3 “Christy Is Feeling Anxious”

Cleary gets a letter from a little girl and her mom, and discusses her own anxiety.

If you like this show and wanna help fund further episodes of it, or other programs like it, please consider subscribing to my Patreon, where, for as low as a dollar a month, you not only get access to literally everything I do early and Patreon only content, but you also get each episode a whole week early!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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PORCH #4

PORCH04

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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PORCH #2

PORCH02

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Close To Monsters #55

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This weeks comic is brought to you by severely misjudging minor situations as personal attacks.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Life Is Being Chased By Wasps

When I was about 7, I was learning to ride my bike in the apartment complex my mother and I were living in at the time. I was finally starting to get the hang of it enough to be doing it on my own, so I was riding around in the parking area of the complex one afternoon when I lost control and skidded. My bike hit a long drain pipe, the old metal ones that hang down the side of the building, you know? Anyway, I was pretty happy that I wasn’t hurt and my bike was okay and that I didn’t damage anything badly, until I heard the sound of wasps. Apparently, these wasps had made a nest inside of this pipe and were now pissed as all get out and wanted revenge, so out they came, like a tornado of anger, and, being the 7 year old timid girl I was, I of course took the fuck off and left my bike there for someone else to bring back.

Since that time, it’s become abundantly clear to me that that’s what my life is; just a series of getting chased by wasps.

This pattern would repeat itself again and again, but not with actual wasps. I would wind up spending a good majority of my youth running away from things that wanted to hurt me. Mean girls, mean boys, mean teachers, all intent on making my life much more painful than it needed to be. Since then, I’ve run away from everything. Everything in life has come to resemble wasps. Forming relationships? Scary wasps. Fixing myself? Wasps that’ve been maced in the face. Responsibility? Wasps that you once said you’d invite somewhere and then instead took their hive and stuck it in a paint shaker for 14 hours nonstop while blaring the worst muzak you could find at top volume. And then when they finally were let out, dazed and confused, you punched each one right in their stupid face, just for kicks.

When you go through life seeing everything not only as a challenge, but a challenge that can utterly destroy you, it makes you not to want to try and overcome any of them at all, for fear of the pain they’ll bestow upon you. So, by running away that day, I taught myself it was okay to run away from everything. I’m not saying that a 7 year old girl is any match for a gutter drain full of angry wasps — I mean I’m tough and all but I was only 7 — but it stuck the idea inside my head that if something is that scary, that overwhelmingly terrifying, then it’s totally justifiable to turn the other cheek and run the hell away, and that’s what I’ve been doing for the last 20 years.

When the people I was working with in film school left me hanging, despite committing to finished a dedicated project we’d spent two years working on, with only a few more days of shooting to complete? I just swore off ever working with anyone ever again.

When the one therapist I actually managed to sort of like and build something with decided to move out of state and practice elsewhere, despite knowing my trust and abandonment issues? I just swore off ever going back to therapy altogether. (For the record, just as a hint of true irony, this therapist is also the one who diagnosed me with “Avoidant Personality Disorder”, and then moved out of state, so, take from that what you will).

When the first girl I ever decided to talk to and tell her I had a crush on her decided to be egregiously rude regarding my feelings, and all because I happened to be a girl who liked her? I decided it wasn’t worth it to ever try and find love and that I was better off alone.

Since these times, I work with my girlfriend on my projects, editing things side by side and we’ve been together nearly 3 years now, and over the last few years I have done a ton of personal introspection and analysis, trying to fix the things I don’t like about me. So okay, maybe these moments were made of wasps at the time, and I ran the other way, but I’m coming back now, and that’s the thing I want to talk about.

The thing about wasps, about any sort of creature that attacks you, is that there’s a way to overcome it. I’m not in any way condoning the killing of innocent wasps, but if you need to defend yourself, then by all means please do and that’s where I am now. I defended myself from failure by running the other way and now I’m ready to call in the exterminator and get these fucking wasps taken care of once and for all. The colony must collapse, the enemy must die and only I must prevail.

When you’re fighting a war against yourself, and that’s what this really is, a war against my perception of lifes challenges towards me, eventually you come to a stalemate and realize that no matter what happens, you’re either going to be the loser or the victor, because you’re fighting yourself, and you have to decide which side you want to be on. Do you wanna continue to let wasps run your entire life? Do you wanna continue to let wasps terrify you at every turn? Or, do you wanna grab that bug spray, get outside and destroy that nest that’s kept you from ever moving forward?

When I was 7 I was chased by some wasps and it changed my perception of myself.

I’m 29 now, and to be honest, my perception isn’t much better, but I’m finally willing to challenge it, and if that ain’t progress then what the hell is.

[This is a repost from a Medium article I wrote]

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the new season of my podcast “Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality”, or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Live In The Now, Die In The Future

Over the last year or so, my girlfriend and I have acquired multiple big kitchen appliances like a crockpot, a dehydrator, an electric kettle, a popcorn popper and a blender. The problem with this is that they’re all in our tiny bedroom that we rent in a house with other people. So, we own all the appliances and furniture necessary to outfit a small apartment, but we cannot get the apartment.

I know this is going to sound super negative, but I feel like we’re preparing for a life we’re never going to attain. I don’t want to sound that low, but it’s how I feel. We’ve tried so much in the last year to survive, to move up and make things better, and NOTHING has worked. It’s fucking depressing. I’ve essentially given up hope, which is something one should not do in these sorts of situations, but it’s where I’m at, so. But this problem extends far beyond this year. This isn’t just contained to this one bedroom. I’ve talked before about how weird it is to try and make a life when you didn’t expect to live to be this old, but aside from that, I also have always felt like I was preparing for a life I would never have.

I have always had a problem with being in the present. I was always thinking about what was coming up. When I wasn’t planning on ending my life, I was trying to figure out how my life would turn out. The problem is, I couldn’t see a solution to either one. It was like looking down a forked path in the woods and somehow both lead to a fogged up dense thicket that eventually leads you to walk right off a goddamned cliff. So because I couldn’t be in the present, and was always thinking about the future (or lack thereof), I never prepared to have a future. I never did the things necessary, once I knew I wasn’t going to die, to make sure my life got better. I just sort of…existed. Do you know what that state is like? To just sorta…be? It’s weird, dude.

You don’t really participate in anything because you see your life as becoming one thing, so you don’t wanna do anything that could become a detriment to that vision, so you just float along, taking in whatever’s going on around you. Dealing with things as they come. Never actually planning for anything, just wishing they were different. Wishing they were how they should be. It didn’t help that my parents didn’t prepare me for jack shit. Nobody taught me to drive, so nobody helped me get my license, so I was stuck wherever they went. I couldn’t work so I was stuck with my mother for much longer than I should’ve been, given how she treated me, and it was awful. I couldn’t leave. That’s when I started realizing I wasn’t solely to blame for my lack of a future. You can’t put together a dresser when nobody ever gave you the tools to start.

These days, I do my art (that nobody seems to notice) and I make sure to take care of the things I have to on a daily basis. Taking out the trash, feeding the dogs, etc. Now I’m trying to be in the moment. I’m trying to think, “the future will come, and there’s things I can try and do to prepare for it, to create it, but it’s not here yet, so there’s no point in obsessing over it.” It’s helped a little, but I still have my doubts, because that’s the thing about anxiety and depression and abuse all rolled into one. You’re never absolutely certain things will work out, even just a bit. You’re always just sorta expecting things to go to shit at all times. But I’m working on it. I’m working on me.

But the funniest part is that because nobody else ever taught me to do anything, how to prepare for anything, that it means I’ve had to do it all myself, sans some help from my girlfriend. Where I once felt I wasn’t worth enough to be loved and helped, now I feel “hey, you did this for yourself, you didn’t need them, you can do this!” and it helps fix my broken self esteem. So okay mom and dad, maybe I wasn’t important enough to you. But I should be important enough to me.

You might’ve made me hate myself, but I’m working on liking myself, and that makes me a better person than you will ever be.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon! Donate To Our GoFundMe!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the new season of my podcast “Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality”, or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!