Today, WordPress informed me that I started my blog two years ago on this day. I’ve thought a bit about how to go about discussing this, as it is supposed to be a happy occasion, but of course, you all know me, so you shouldn’t be surprised when I say it’s the opposite. The majority of this blog has been used for introspection and analysis on myself, so the fact that I’ve been using it for that over 2 years now means there’s more than enough wrong with me that I really, really need to look at myself, and frankly that’s more than a bit disheartening.
I understand that progress, recovery and whatnot doesn’t just happen overnight, but I feel like I’ve barely made any impact over these two years. I wanted to look at myself, really dive deep into who I am and why I am the way that I am, and while I think I’ve managed to do that pretty well, I wish…I don’t know, I guess I wish I could come away with a better conclusion than simply “I’m a broken girl.” I want it to be revelatory. I want it to be mind shattering. It isn’t, and I know that’s not how this whole thing works. You don’t just wake up one day and realize what’s been wrong all along and now you’re ready to fix things and you’re cured. I realize recovery takes a long time. I just feel like I could’ve either done more, and didn’t realize I had this much wrong with me.
That’s the thing about trauma. You don’t know just how much you have until you’ve started working through it. It wasn’t just one specific incident, no, it’s ongoing. I have trauma even from this past year. It’s something that I’m going to have to work on for a long, long time to come. But, I would like to say that I appreciate those of you who read this blog, and who are either interested in me and my recovery, or can see a bit of me in yourself because you too have survived trauma. I really do appreciate it, so thank you.
I am not planning on stopping my recovery or analysis anytime soon. I’ve learned so much more about myself in the last two years than I have before, and all on my own, and it feels great knowing I’m putting in all the effort myself, because I myself want to get better. Having places like this, or the projects that I do, the fiction I write, the podcasts I create, having something to view my issues through like a lens, to magnify them and really get into the root…it helps tremendously. Art is my therapy, this blog has been therapeutic and knowing that there’s people out there who know how I feel, who can connect with my issues…well that’s been therapeutic as hell too.
I’m a problem, but I’m also a person. So here’s to another two, five or ten years. However long it takes is however long it takes, but I know that at the end, I will be a better girl than I am today, and that’s the entire point, and if you wanna stick with me, then strap in, ’cause it’s gonna be a bumpy ride, but I sure as hell appreciate your company.
I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the satirical online newspaper of “Nowhere, US”, my podcast “Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality” or my writing over at Medium.
Wanna donate to me directly? You can do that via PayPal! Wanna support me ongoing month to month and get content early? You can do that via Patreon! Wanna support me but can’t do it continuously? You can do that via Buy Me A Coffee! Thanks for whatever you can spare, I really appreciate it!