0

You’re A Lot Like Weather, You Know

The rain on my face reminds me of your kisses as a child, empty and cold, refreshing then and upsetting now. At one point, something I would run to, be thrilled to receive, now something I hide from, something I hope to never face again. You’re a lot like weather you know, full of unpredictable patterns and immeasurable damage. Bright and sunny one moment, dark and foreboding the next, all the while I think to myself, watching your storm clouds gather in your once sunny sky, “The weather will get better. It has to!” but it never does.

You’re a lot like weather, you know. A cool wind breezes by, reminding me of your icy breath, the air you’d breath on my ear when you hugged me, trying to comfort me, telling me ‘there’s nothing to be afraid of’, except the thing to be afraid of was you. By promising me you were not bad, you cemented everything else around me as a fear, so that in times of panic and uncertainty, I’d turn to you instead, because I didn’t know there was anywhere else to go. On a hot summer day, instead of enjoying it, I’d seek out the breeze, not knowing the breeze was a lie. Not knowing that the breeze was what was actually making me ill, the cold wind chill, and not the warm summer sky.

You’re a lot like weather, you know. Neither rain, now sleet, nor snow, nor hail; I’m lucky I survived your blizzard to tell the tale. Wrapped in a warm blanket of my insecurities, a fire blazing, born of my fears, they got me through your damaging winter storms. Sure, I didn’t come out the other end any better, but at least I survived the ice and the freeze. I tried to be a storm chaser, but getting close to you, trying to figure you out, trying to be in awe of your majestical faults, was just as dangerous as trying to outrun you. Like a tornado you would chase me down, force me to hide under a mattress to escape, praying and sobbing, hoping there would still be something left standing in your wake. And when all was said and done, the town was leveled, the people stunned, I’d come back out and try to understand…try to comprehend the damage, why it happened, what its reason was. But there wasn’t any. There couldn’t be.

Now I hide from the outdoors, I stay inside and shudder at the slightest hint of a raindrop hitting my shutters. I tense up at the smallest change in temperature, and I watch the sky in fear. Nothing is certain, that much is certain. Crisp fall leaves crack under my feet, like so many broken promises, regret, yet, we’ll meet again I’m sure, one day, when the sun is out and you’ll say, “It wasn’t as bad as you remember. The weather is something we all must face.” What a shame, a disgrace, the storms you can create, the abuse you can say was alright because it was you who made it. You’re a lot like weather, you know.

And now I stay inside, away from any weather whatsoever. No more sunny days or rainy nights. No more storms, no more flashing lights or thunderclaps. Now I stay indoors, free from your onslaught of temperature changes, telling myself that I survived the flood, that I survived the earthquake, that I survived the tsunami.

Now I laugh at weathermen.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

Advertisements
0

Birds My Father Hated: Season 2 FINALE Episode 20 “Eagles”

In the Season 2 finale, Mavis talks about how the Eagle became a symbol of freedom, for the country, and herself.

That’s a wrap on this season of BMFH! Thanks to my star and ex-girlfriend Seirra for doing such a fantastic job in the role, this show would not be possible without her!

If you like this show and wanna help fund further episodes of it, or other programs like it, please consider subscribing to my Patreon, where, for as low as a dollar a month, you not only get access to literally everything I do early and Patreon only content, but you also get each episode a whole week early!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

0

Birds My Father Hated: Season 2 Episode 19 “Robins”

Mavis runs into an old school mate named Robin and makes some interesting deductions.

If you like this show and wanna help fund further episodes of it, or other programs like it, please consider subscribing to my Patreon, where, for as low as a dollar a month, you not only get access to literally everything I do early and Patreon only content, but you also get each episode a whole week early!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

0

Birds My Father Hated: Season 2 Episode 18 “Cardinals”

Mavis goes through some of her fathers journals and old photos, stumbling upon a revelation that changes her entire viewpoint on her father.

If you like this show and wanna help fund further episodes of it, or other programs like it, please consider subscribing to my Patreon, where, for as low as a dollar a month, you not only get access to literally everything I do early and Patreon only content, but you also get each episode a whole week early!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

0

You Keep Saying You Want To Fix This

I left my mother and cut her out of my life back in early 2015.

After years of feeling like she didn’t understand, much less care to understand, me, I finally started speaking to her again in late 2016 or early 2017 at some point. Even then, our conversations were rather limited to that of what television we’d watched recently and shit like that, mostly because that was all I could handle discussing with her. I haven’t spoken to anyone else in my family in about 5 years now. Then, in mid 2017, my longtime girlfriend and I moved to Texas, and within 4 months or so, everything went belly up and we nearly found ourselves homeless. Thankfully, I found us a new place to live, and things were okay for a while, and then my mother decided, just on a whim, to move there as well, to be “closer” to me.

At first, it was alright enough to see her again. I’d visited her two times prior to this, but this was the first instance of ongoing constant exposure to her again, and for a bit, things seemed okay enough. We went to lunch, we saw some movies, we just generally hung out and celebrated birthdays and for the first time in forever, it seemed liked when she said “I just wanna fix everything”, she was being honest about it. And then it started again. The attitudes, the mood swings, the daily calling and dropping by without even telling me, which made me exceedingly anxious (and, in her defense, would make me anxious no matter WHO it was, not just her) and the somewhat snide, underhanded remarks.

Here was a nearly 60 year old woman telling me “you need to find me a place to live” and generally wanting me to fix her entire life when I, a moderately autistic young woman, can barely keep my OWN life together on a day to day basis, especially at that point in time when we were in constant fear of being evicted because our landlady was ALSO somewhat psychotic. But, all that said, we managed and I continued to put up with her, and we’d fight and scream every now and then at one another, but eventually we started talking again after a week or so and things resumed as normal until another screaming match occurred. Keep in mind, these screaming matches aren’t like something a kid and a parent would (or SHOULD, for that matter) have. She’d show up, she’d get me riled up over something, then she would leave, knowing I would break something in anger or hurt myself because of what had just happened and spend the rest of the day in a terrible mood.

This wasn’t random. This was calculated planning. She KNEW what she was doing. And why do I say this? Because she’d done this for years before, just not in such an obvious manner. See, the thing about people like this, who do things like this, is eventually they get sloppy. For a long time, especially when doing it around other people, they’ll be cautious, they’ll make themselves seem like the victim, but then they’ll just stop caring and do it anyway, because fuck the consequences. Eventually, they just stop caring about doing it well and just keep doing it because they don’t know how to function otherwise. And here’s the kicker: people her age, other people, expect their children to take it and accept it and say ‘it’s just who they are’ or ‘they’re my parents, I have to deal with it’ or ‘I really need to help them’ when in reality…IT IS NOT ANY OF OUR FUCKING BUSINESS AND THEY ARE OWED NOTHING FROM US.

I told myself this for years. It was the only way to keep myself sane in a continually abusive household growing up, and I told myself “I don’t have to love these people, I don’t owe them anything for doing the bare minimum of child rearing”, and everyone told me how wrong that was. Now? Now I see everybody say that. It sort of helps, seeing my peers vindicate me now, but I wish someone had backed me up back then too. Maybe things would’ve been different.

Eventually, my mother kept blaming all her failings on me and my girlfriend, and tried to move out of the state of Texas two times before coming back because she just can’t not have control over me. Then, our landlady finally decided, and for good reason because she shouldn’t be a landlord, to sell the property we were living in. I turned to the only person I knew could help get my girlfriend and I out of there. My mother. So, my mother rented a moving truck and my girlfriend rode with her while I rode with another friend, and all together we drove back to New Mexico, to my girlfriends parents place. My mother continued to tell me things like “You need to stay with me in a hotel because I can’t be alone” and “You need to help me whenever I need it” and while I agreed to help her, because she’d helped us under the guise of kindheartedness but really because she craves total control, she kept insisting that I drop everything everyday and devote all my spare time to fixing her life.

And then, about a week or so into being back here, her car disappeared from the hotel she was staying out. She wouldn’t answer her cell phone. Suddenly, she was just gone. A few days ago, my girlfriends mother asked the hotel manager, whom she’s friends with, what happened to the woman staying there, and they told her she’d just up and left. She still hasn’t called. She still won’t answer. She just left.

And this is where I feel conflicted. One part of me is relieved. Thank god, now I can get back to my work and my life and not be stressed. And yet…and yet there’s a huge gaping hole inside of me. People KEEP leaving. People who insist they want to fix things. People I SHOULDN’T be hurt by anymore because I should be so used to being hurt by them by now. But they still manage to do it. It makes sense why I have trouble believing anyone committing to me or sticking around, because my family was so broken for so long, and then everytime they say they want to fix things, they STILL. JUST. LEAVE. The thing is, it isn’t so much, I’ve realized, the fact that she just up and left without telling me that hurts. It’s more the hope I keep having that somehow things will be fixed. Somehow my mother, my whole family, will suddenly come to their senses, get back together and everyone will be happy and loved. When you grow up without feeling connected to the people you’re related to, the world is a fucking cold and empty place, no matter how many people you replace them with.

Friends? Lovers? Doesn’t matter. They ease the pain, but it’s still there. I appreciate them, but they aren’t the same. I don’t have parents. I just have severely broken people who demand I fix them when I can’t even fix myself. I’m what I’ve come to call a Living Orphan. My parents aren’t dead, but they aren’t here, nor were they ever, really, and it hurts so fucking much every single day.

But what hurts even more is knowing how sick she is. There’s something wrong with her, and I know this, and I can’t tell her because she’ll deny it so it can’t get fixed. Now and then, when we were in Texas, and she did something even remotely nice, like bring a pizza over for dinner, she’d sit and smile at me and she’d say “Aren’t I the best mother ever?” and I’d just smile back and nod, while inside my heart is breaking because she believes that, and she so badly wants it to be true. She really thinks she’s the best mom ever. And I so badly want her to be that when she asks, I just tell her yes, and we sit there.

In silence.

Lying and unaware.

Eating pizza.

And sometimes it hits me that that’s the best things will ever get, and it’s time I just moved on.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

0

How Are You Today? Season 1 FINALE Episode 10 “Annabelle Is Feeling Guilty”

In this shocking season finale, Cleary gets a letter from a terminally ill little girl, and her conscience finally gets the best of her.

Well, that’s it. That’s a wrap on Season 1 of HOW ARE YOU TODAY?, and I sincerely hope you all enjoyed it and are looking forward to Season 2! Let’s give a BIG thanks to our host, Jennifer, who did just a phenomenal job playing Annabelle, because without her awesome performance, none of this would’ve been possible. Anyway, enjoy this bombshell of an ending!

If you like this show and wanna help fund further episodes of it, or other programs like it, please consider subscribing to my Patreon, where, for as low as a dollar a month, you not only get access to literally everything I do early and Patreon only content, but you also get each episode a whole week early!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

0

Birds My Father Hated: Season 2 Episode 17 “Peacocks”

In this special episode, Mavis finally tells the story of how she killed her father.

If you like this show and wanna help fund further episodes of it, or other programs like it, please consider subscribing to my Patreon, where, for as low as a dollar a month, you not only get access to literally everything I do early and Patreon only content, but you also get each episode a whole week early!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!