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Live In The Now, Die In The Future

Over the last year or so, my girlfriend and I have acquired multiple big kitchen appliances like a crockpot, a dehydrator, an electric kettle, a popcorn popper and a blender. The problem with this is that they’re all in our tiny bedroom that we rent in a house with other people. So, we own all the appliances and furniture necessary to outfit a small apartment, but we cannot get the apartment.

I know this is going to sound super negative, but I feel like we’re preparing for a life we’re never going to attain. I don’t want to sound that low, but it’s how I feel. We’ve tried so much in the last year to survive, to move up and make things better, and NOTHING has worked. It’s fucking depressing. I’ve essentially given up hope, which is something one should not do in these sorts of situations, but it’s where I’m at, so. But this problem extends far beyond this year. This isn’t just contained to this one bedroom. I’ve talked before about how weird it is to try and make a life when you didn’t expect to live to be this old, but aside from that, I also have always felt like I was preparing for a life I would never have.

I have always had a problem with being in the present. I was always thinking about what was coming up. When I wasn’t planning on ending my life, I was trying to figure out how my life would turn out. The problem is, I couldn’t see a solution to either one. It was like looking down a forked path in the woods and somehow both lead to a fogged up dense thicket that eventually leads you to walk right off a goddamned cliff. So because I couldn’t be in the present, and was always thinking about the future (or lack thereof), I never prepared to have a future. I never did the things necessary, once I knew I wasn’t going to die, to make sure my life got better. I just sort of…existed. Do you know what that state is like? To just sorta…be? It’s weird, dude.

You don’t really participate in anything because you see your life as becoming one thing, so you don’t wanna do anything that could become a detriment to that vision, so you just float along, taking in whatever’s going on around you. Dealing with things as they come. Never actually planning for anything, just wishing they were different. Wishing they were how they should be. It didn’t help that my parents didn’t prepare me for jack shit. Nobody taught me to drive, so nobody helped me get my license, so I was stuck wherever they went. I couldn’t work so I was stuck with my mother for much longer than I should’ve been, given how she treated me, and it was awful. I couldn’t leave. That’s when I started realizing I wasn’t solely to blame for my lack of a future. You can’t put together a dresser when nobody ever gave you the tools to start.

These days, I do my art (that nobody seems to notice) and I make sure to take care of the things I have to on a daily basis. Taking out the trash, feeding the dogs, etc. Now I’m trying to be in the moment. I’m trying to think, “the future will come, and there’s things I can try and do to prepare for it, to create it, but it’s not here yet, so there’s no point in obsessing over it.” It’s helped a little, but I still have my doubts, because that’s the thing about anxiety and depression and abuse all rolled into one. You’re never absolutely certain things will work out, even just a bit. You’re always just sorta expecting things to go to shit at all times. But I’m working on it. I’m working on me.

But the funniest part is that because nobody else ever taught me to do anything, how to prepare for anything, that it means I’ve had to do it all myself, sans some help from my girlfriend. Where I once felt I wasn’t worth enough to be loved and helped, now I feel “hey, you did this for yourself, you didn’t need them, you can do this!” and it helps fix my broken self esteem. So okay mom and dad, maybe I wasn’t important enough to you. But I should be important enough to me.

You might’ve made me hate myself, but I’m working on liking myself, and that makes me a better person than you will ever be.

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the new season of my podcast “Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality”, or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality: Episode 11 “Letters To The Woman Who Ruined Me”

Welp. It’s here. This is quite possibly the single most ambitious undertaking I’ve taken in years, and I could not be more excited to see it to completion. I really hope you guys listen to and enjoy this. This podcast couldn’t have been made without help from a few friends and I’ll be forever grateful for them, and my patrons, for allowing me to tell this somewhat autobiographical story. Here’s the episode description:

In the Season 2 opener, It’s been a few months since a revelation tore therapy asunder. Now, USER 147 and her robotic therapist Samantha Gold are going to try and move on, any way they can, so they can begin to fix even bigger problems than they originally thought there to be. It won’t be easy. Nothing ever is.

Thank you guys so much. This project has become so important to me, and I really just hope it resonates with people. If you like this episode, this project or just other things I do, and you wanna hear next weeks episode TODAY, then I suggest mosying on over to my Patreon, where, for a buck a month, you get next weeks episodes a whole 7 days early, and for 3 bucks a month, you even get credited for supporting it! I hope you guys like this. Enjoy your time in therapy.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon! Donate To Our GoFundMe!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Close To Monsters #36

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This weeks comic is a reminder that you’ve been so gaslighted you’re not even sure who the villain of your abuse is anymore. Enjoy!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon! Donate To Our GoFundMe!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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She Rode On A Dinosaur: A Short Story

a short story(2)This months (not so) short story is out! You can buy it right here! The description is as follows:

Heidi Beuford is a 9 year old girl, and is very sick. Between doctors appointments and visits to the local history museum, she often feels scared and lost, but Luna doesn’t. Luna Bell is a strong girl who rides a raptor named Triumph, and is out to find the truth about life in her fantasy world. As Luna attempts to discover the mystery behind The Great Fish and Heidi attempts to simply survive, together, the two will learn valuable lessons about life, death, and that sometimes being scared is necessary.

It’s a bit on the longer side than I intended it to be, or as any of the other stories usually are, but it’s a pretty good one I think. Definitely the longest of the bunch this year, clocking in at just over 8k words, so, yay. Anyway, read it and help me pay my rent, yeah? Thanks!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon! Donate To Our GoFundMe!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Modern Museum Of Mistakes: Short Story

Ocean(1) Hey, Augusts short story is now out! Please buy it and help my girlfriend and I take care of some medical bills! I’m also linking our gofundme at the bottom of this page! Anyway, here’s a description of the story:

Lena Pilgrim, a woman in her late 30s, is taking on a late night security job at her local art museum as a way to make ends meet. One night, Lena finds herself with a new artist in the museum, and things quickly become strange when Lena notices the paintings on the walls start to mirror certain moments in her life, allowing her to view them in real time. Is this artist really an artist, or something more? Lena intends to find out, even if the truth hurts her.

Anyway, the story is available for purchase right here at the low, low cost of a buck fifty! Any and all sales will be extremely appreciated. Also, as I stated above, I am putting the GoFundMe my girlfriend started in here. I hate to do this sort of thing for we REALLY need the help, so if you could give anything at all, we’d be so super appreciative. Thank you so much! I promise to start updating this blog again regularly!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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My Handyman Died

It’s been a hell of a month.

I just found out the other day, after a month of not seeing him and nobody telling us anything, that the handyman who used to work for the house my girlfriend and I rent in, died of a heart attack. His name was Tim. This has fucked with me on a number of levels, so allow me to go through them, if you will. First of all, I am somewhat shocked that the death of a man I only sort of kinda barely knew could make me weep as hard and often as I have the last week and a half. The last time I saw Tim was when he came over and mowed our front lawn. He brought his sweetheart of a Pitbull with him, and I sat with his dog on the porch as he mowed the lawn and took breaks so we could talk. It’s not that Tim was very educated, in fact when once engaged in conversation with my girlfriend he admitted he didn’t even know who Van Gogh was, but that didn’t make him stupid. It wasn’t that he was super interesting, either. He was just…nice. I guess the fact that I cared so much for a man I knew so little proves the point of how big my heart actually is, and how much kindness can really make you care for someone.

Secondly, Tims death makes me think about my own mortality. Not that I’m going to die anytime soon, at least not that I know of, someone could be waiting to assassinate me, I have no idea, but just in the general sense, you know? I deal with suicidal thoughts often, I constantly have panic attacks about non existence, and yet…yet when faced with death so near to me, it sort of halts all of that. It’s been a while since someone died in my family, especially someone I actually gave a big shit about, but it’s also different than that. This is the first time a FRIEND of mine has died. Family is different. I don’t know how or why, maybe it’s because you’re born to that set of people or something, but death in the family just has a different tone to it. But a friend…a friend is someone you seek out or choose to know. They’re someone you enjoy being around and so you want to be around them more and more. I met Tim out of necessity because he helped us move in and fix things around the house and such, but…he was my friend. Even if I admit to not knowing him all that well, he WAS my friend, and now he’s just a dead guy.

Apparently Tim died alone. I mean, he had his dog with him, but he died alone, in his apartment, from a heart attack. A friend is someone you’re supposed to be there for, and I couldn’t be there for Tim when he needed someone, and that’s been fucking with me too. I don’t know that I could’ve done anything even if I had been there, I mean he obviously couldn’t even dial 911 in time to get help, but the fact remains that I couldn’t be there for my friend when he needed someone, and that….fucking….hurts, man. It hurts bad. I’ve lost many friends, but mostly because they either weren’t my friends to begin with, we simply drifted apart, or whatever reason you wanna apply to it. But to lose a friend to death…it’s just not something I’m familiar with and I don’t know how to cope with it. And what’s worse is it’s GOING TO KEEP HAPPENING. As I get older, the people I consider close friends are going to fucking die, and a lot of them may die before me, and I am not prepared for that.

I am not prepared for anything, honestly.

For Tims sake, I hope it wasn’t that painful or that long, and I hope he knows people cared about him, even if we didn’t outright say it. I hope he knows that he had friends, because everyone deserves friends. Everyone deserves to feel like they aren’t alone.

I’ll miss you Tim.

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Close To Monsters #30

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Created, Written & Drawn by Maggie Taylor

This weeks comic is brought to you by the fact that you are nothing but an amalgamation of all your parents flaws and problems. Wanna write your own caption for this comic strip? Then head on over to my Patreon, where for a mere 25 dollars a month, you not only get all the previous rewards, but also get the write a caption for one of these, and get credited for it!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!