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PORCH #42

PORCH42

Magic Hate Ball, only 14.99 because fuck you.

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find epubs/books/stickers/prints over at my Payhip , or support my work monthly at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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PORCH #40

PORCH40

Self actualization is just ignoring others opinions of you and then eating your enemies

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find epubs/books/stickers/prints over at my Payhip , or support my work monthly at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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If You’re Disabled & You Know It, Clap Your Hands

Here’s something you may not know about me. I’m really fucking insecure.

I’m not insecure enough to admit that I’m insecure, at least, but I’m really fucking insecure otherwise, yeah. I get jealous when my girlfriend talks to other, much prettier, and honestly much more interesting, girls than myself, and I constantly worry that the people I do allow myself to consider my friends aren’t really my friends and are only there out of pity. I guess this is the result of people hurting you your entire life. This is what you become, if you’re me anyway, and also really weak. I really don’t like this facet of myself, it causes me, and others, a great deal of pain, but here’s the thing…

…I can’t really stop it. Not in full. And I know what you’re saying, you’re saying “well now, that’s not very constructive of you! you gotta think positively! believe you can change and you can! all it takes is effort!” and you’re not wrong, buddy, but it’s not exactly that I lack conviction, goodness knows I’ve kept up with projects for years and for the last few years in particular I’ve been working on bettering myself in numerous ways, and I think I’ve done fairly well, thank you very much. But no, it’s not that I lack conviction. It’s that I lack literal brain power to do so. See, when I was born, my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck, and I didn’t breath for the first few moments of my life. This led to some brain damage, and I literally am incapable of learning certain things, knowing how to do certain simple things, and in some cases, bettering things.

And I know that this sounds like an excuse, but it isn’t. I’ve got a lifetime of experience to be able to prove how sincere I’m being about this situation. But what hurts even more than this reality is the fact that people do not take disabilities they cannot see seriously. I was on a bus last year and an older woman came onto the bus. I was sitting on the front bus seats, because it was cramped elsewhere and I was carrying a lot of bags (I believe I was bringing groceries home) and my back was killing me. When she didn’t have a place to sit, because the front was all filled up, I could feel people judging me silently. This isn’t fair. My father pushed me down the stairs as a little girl, and my back has never been the same since. I have been to chiropractors all my life. Sometimes my back gets so tweaked that I have to literally lay in bed for two or three days so that I can resume my life. I am disabled. Just because I am 30 doesn’t make me any less disabled. It doesn’t fucking go away with time. If anything, it gets WORSE.

Same thing with my brain. My brain and my back are damaged, and yet people continue to ignore these facts. Lots of people ignore them because they cannot see them, and that’s, while shitty, at least understandable. But what irks me most are the people I trust, the people I love, who cannot accept it, or refuse to, or DON’T BELIEVE ME. That shit hurts. Genuinely hurts. I am so sick of having everyone around me think I’m okay since I appear moderately functional. I don’t sit in a wheelchair and I can think rather soundly about a lot of things, and this apparently gives society carte blanche to feel that, just because I lack things they consider to be associated with disabilities, that I am not disabled. I AM. In more ways than one.

I am so tired of being judged by society for things I didn’t cause, that aren’t my fault, and that I cannot fix.

Yes, it’s manageable, but that doesn’t make it fixable. I wish people would learn this.

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find epubs/books/stickers/prints over at my Payhip , or support my work monthly at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Happy Comic #13

Happy Comic 13

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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You Keep Saying You Want To Fix This

I left my mother and cut her out of my life back in early 2015.

After years of feeling like she didn’t understand, much less care to understand, me, I finally started speaking to her again in late 2016 or early 2017 at some point. Even then, our conversations were rather limited to that of what television we’d watched recently and shit like that, mostly because that was all I could handle discussing with her. I haven’t spoken to anyone else in my family in about 5 years now. Then, in mid 2017, my longtime girlfriend and I moved to Texas, and within 4 months or so, everything went belly up and we nearly found ourselves homeless. Thankfully, I found us a new place to live, and things were okay for a while, and then my mother decided, just on a whim, to move there as well, to be “closer” to me.

At first, it was alright enough to see her again. I’d visited her two times prior to this, but this was the first instance of ongoing constant exposure to her again, and for a bit, things seemed okay enough. We went to lunch, we saw some movies, we just generally hung out and celebrated birthdays and for the first time in forever, it seemed liked when she said “I just wanna fix everything”, she was being honest about it. And then it started again. The attitudes, the mood swings, the daily calling and dropping by without even telling me, which made me exceedingly anxious (and, in her defense, would make me anxious no matter WHO it was, not just her) and the somewhat snide, underhanded remarks.

Here was a nearly 60 year old woman telling me “you need to find me a place to live” and generally wanting me to fix her entire life when I, a moderately autistic young woman, can barely keep my OWN life together on a day to day basis, especially at that point in time when we were in constant fear of being evicted because our landlady was ALSO somewhat psychotic. But, all that said, we managed and I continued to put up with her, and we’d fight and scream every now and then at one another, but eventually we started talking again after a week or so and things resumed as normal until another screaming match occurred. Keep in mind, these screaming matches aren’t like something a kid and a parent would (or SHOULD, for that matter) have. She’d show up, she’d get me riled up over something, then she would leave, knowing I would break something in anger or hurt myself because of what had just happened and spend the rest of the day in a terrible mood.

This wasn’t random. This was calculated planning. She KNEW what she was doing. And why do I say this? Because she’d done this for years before, just not in such an obvious manner. See, the thing about people like this, who do things like this, is eventually they get sloppy. For a long time, especially when doing it around other people, they’ll be cautious, they’ll make themselves seem like the victim, but then they’ll just stop caring and do it anyway, because fuck the consequences. Eventually, they just stop caring about doing it well and just keep doing it because they don’t know how to function otherwise. And here’s the kicker: people her age, other people, expect their children to take it and accept it and say ‘it’s just who they are’ or ‘they’re my parents, I have to deal with it’ or ‘I really need to help them’ when in reality…IT IS NOT ANY OF OUR FUCKING BUSINESS AND THEY ARE OWED NOTHING FROM US.

I told myself this for years. It was the only way to keep myself sane in a continually abusive household growing up, and I told myself “I don’t have to love these people, I don’t owe them anything for doing the bare minimum of child rearing”, and everyone told me how wrong that was. Now? Now I see everybody say that. It sort of helps, seeing my peers vindicate me now, but I wish someone had backed me up back then too. Maybe things would’ve been different.

Eventually, my mother kept blaming all her failings on me and my girlfriend, and tried to move out of the state of Texas two times before coming back because she just can’t not have control over me. Then, our landlady finally decided, and for good reason because she shouldn’t be a landlord, to sell the property we were living in. I turned to the only person I knew could help get my girlfriend and I out of there. My mother. So, my mother rented a moving truck and my girlfriend rode with her while I rode with another friend, and all together we drove back to New Mexico, to my girlfriends parents place. My mother continued to tell me things like “You need to stay with me in a hotel because I can’t be alone” and “You need to help me whenever I need it” and while I agreed to help her, because she’d helped us under the guise of kindheartedness but really because she craves total control, she kept insisting that I drop everything everyday and devote all my spare time to fixing her life.

And then, about a week or so into being back here, her car disappeared from the hotel she was staying out. She wouldn’t answer her cell phone. Suddenly, she was just gone. A few days ago, my girlfriends mother asked the hotel manager, whom she’s friends with, what happened to the woman staying there, and they told her she’d just up and left. She still hasn’t called. She still won’t answer. She just left.

And this is where I feel conflicted. One part of me is relieved. Thank god, now I can get back to my work and my life and not be stressed. And yet…and yet there’s a huge gaping hole inside of me. People KEEP leaving. People who insist they want to fix things. People I SHOULDN’T be hurt by anymore because I should be so used to being hurt by them by now. But they still manage to do it. It makes sense why I have trouble believing anyone committing to me or sticking around, because my family was so broken for so long, and then everytime they say they want to fix things, they STILL. JUST. LEAVE. The thing is, it isn’t so much, I’ve realized, the fact that she just up and left without telling me that hurts. It’s more the hope I keep having that somehow things will be fixed. Somehow my mother, my whole family, will suddenly come to their senses, get back together and everyone will be happy and loved. When you grow up without feeling connected to the people you’re related to, the world is a fucking cold and empty place, no matter how many people you replace them with.

Friends? Lovers? Doesn’t matter. They ease the pain, but it’s still there. I appreciate them, but they aren’t the same. I don’t have parents. I just have severely broken people who demand I fix them when I can’t even fix myself. I’m what I’ve come to call a Living Orphan. My parents aren’t dead, but they aren’t here, nor were they ever, really, and it hurts so fucking much every single day.

But what hurts even more is knowing how sick she is. There’s something wrong with her, and I know this, and I can’t tell her because she’ll deny it so it can’t get fixed. Now and then, when we were in Texas, and she did something even remotely nice, like bring a pizza over for dinner, she’d sit and smile at me and she’d say “Aren’t I the best mother ever?” and I’d just smile back and nod, while inside my heart is breaking because she believes that, and she so badly wants it to be true. She really thinks she’s the best mom ever. And I so badly want her to be that when she asks, I just tell her yes, and we sit there.

In silence.

Lying and unaware.

Eating pizza.

And sometimes it hits me that that’s the best things will ever get, and it’s time I just moved on.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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How Are You Today? Season 1 FINALE Episode 10 “Annabelle Is Feeling Guilty”

In this shocking season finale, Cleary gets a letter from a terminally ill little girl, and her conscience finally gets the best of her.

Well, that’s it. That’s a wrap on Season 1 of HOW ARE YOU TODAY?, and I sincerely hope you all enjoyed it and are looking forward to Season 2! Let’s give a BIG thanks to our host, Jennifer, who did just a phenomenal job playing Annabelle, because without her awesome performance, none of this would’ve been possible. Anyway, enjoy this bombshell of an ending!

If you like this show and wanna help fund further episodes of it, or other programs like it, please consider subscribing to my Patreon, where, for as low as a dollar a month, you not only get access to literally everything I do early and Patreon only content, but you also get each episode a whole week early!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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How Are You Today?: Episode 1 “Taylor Is Feeling Hopeful”

The pilot for a new podcast drama I’m creating has hit, so check it out and make sure to check back for new episodes! The description is as follows:

“In the pilot episode, we meet Annabelle Cleary, a young woman with an inoperable brain tumor, and she reads a letter from a nice girl named Taylor about not wanting to feel bad all the time.”

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!