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Close To Monsters #78

CTM78

This weeks comic is brought to you by the fact that everyone is laughing AT you, not WITH you.

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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PORCH #15

PORCH15

And to your left, you’ll see The Cavern Of Sadness, a short stop off The Cave Of Wonders.

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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PORCH #14

PORCH14

The only thing I have to fear IS myself.

If you like this comic and wanna read a new one every Monday a week early, subscribe to my Patreon, for just a measly buck a month!

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Why I’ll Abandon Earth In A Heartbeat

Here’s the thing…

…I don’t really WANT to be here.

Much as I believe in climate change and saving the planet and all that, because let’s be honest, it’s never done anything wrong to us and deserves way better than our sorry asses, I also don’t feel any obligation to care about the planet because, frankly, I was put here against my will and don’t really feel any attachment to the place. The planet isn’t like an apartment you chose to rent or a house you hunt down to buy. It’s just somewhere you live that you happened to have shown up on. And rest assured, that when the option eventually comes for civilians to get onto a starship and cruise off into outer space, setting up life on a whole other planet, never to return, I will take that offer in a nanosecond.

I can cut out all the bad food I eat, I can cut off all the toxic people in my life, but in the end, there’s limitations to what I can do to make my life better, and unfortunately, the biggest thing I can’t change is where I live. And obviously you know I don’t mean that in the sense of simply moving to a new dwelling with bookcases and an air mattress. I mean a new goddamned planet. I cannot change the fact that I am stuck on this rudderless ball of dirt, quarantined with the rest of these hazardous sacks of meat who don’t do eachother any favors, forever doomed to flounder in eternal, directionless confusion, like a fish who suddenly has to pay taxes and support a family of 4 on one income.

It’s infuriating, to have such little control and be told you have so much. Certainly, as I said, I can decide who I want in my life or what food I want in my body, but the biggest change, a change of planet, simply isn’t an option right now, and it’s infuriating. I want to be somewhere else. I want to be in the middle of the cold void of space, away from everybody, in the deafening silence and the uncertain universe. I want to be off earth, and if given the opportunity, I will take it.

I will take it.

A lot of kids had a “space” phase.

Kids go through a multitudes of interests, interests that are almost seemingly pre-packaged into their tiny little minds, seeing as almost all of them go through the same phases. They become obsessed with dinosaurs, knights, space, etc. I never had a “space” phase, but perhaps my love for the concept of leaving the planet coincides with the fact that, growing up, I never had any space. I grew up in a household where, if you wanted to come home at the end of the day and close your bedroom door, you may very well catch some shit for it. It got to the point where the only place I could have some space was in the bathroom. My stepsiblings and I were each given a drawer in the bathroom, and I set mine up with books and snacks so that I could spend as much time inside of it as I wanted, even if I wasn’t actually using the facilities.

I think maybe that is why I am so attached to the idea of leaving the planet. Getting away from everyone and everything. I’m not a hermit, I swear I’m not, and I’m not a curmudgeon, I swear I’m not. I like people, not that anyone who knows me would be able to tell. It’s just that…I like people when I decide to be around them. Thanks to my history with people, I have become increasingly distrustful towards them, and frankly, a lot of them are just mean or loud with seemingly no reason to be. It’s frustrating. Despite being neurodivergent, you can’t say anything about it either, lest you want to be told you’re the one being an asshole here, so your only option is to just suck it up and continue living on this miserable, idiot infested terrarium from hell. That all being said, I do like people. I just wish I could…you know…not be a part of them.

I think this is partially why I am drawn to sim games. Things like The Sims, Sim City or some other type of godly overlord game where you just manage a society instead of being in society. These allow me to interact with the world in ways that work, make sense and aren’t direct. It makes participating possible, and actually somewhat enjoyable, and while I love to people watch, I don’t love interacting with said people. I simply do not feel connected to the species I am a part of, and I would rather be in the cold void of space than on earth with everyone else, trying, and failing, to deal with others. It would just be easier for me. That’s all it boils down to. And I recognize how much this makes me sad like a misanthrophic, edgy teenager who just dyed her hair and started wearing spiked wristbands, but holy hell is it downright exhausting to exist as it is, let alone existing within a society of other people.

Isolation is supposed to be a burden, when in actuality, for me, it’s a blessing.

Imagine. Just imagine. Being in space, being in a station somewhere or on a planet. Nobody else is there. You have all the time in the world, you have all the things you’ll ever need; dehydrated food, non-dehydrated food, books, movies, gardening, music, whatever your vice is. You have all the time you need and nobody and nothing to interrupt you. This sounds heavenly, doesn’t it?

And every now and then, you can peer out the window and you can see the planet you came from, or perhaps look through a telescope and see the planet you left, or perhaps you have a feed you can view of the home you left behind. The home that never really was a home. You will see all the horrible things being done by horrible people and you will sigh and sit back down and happily relax, knowing you are no longer a part of that mess. The world makes me feel so bad as it is, but trust me, I don’t need the help, believe me. I do a good enough job of it on my own.

I know, it sounds like I am simply writing myself off as “better than everyone” but that could not be further from the truth. In fact, I hate myself more than I hate everyone else. I just also happen to be so tired of everyone elses bullshit that I’d rather not drag them down with my own on top of it, and I’d prefer to live a life of solitude, out there, among the stars, dealing with my own issues and learning how to be a better me.

I may not be able to fix society.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t fix myself.

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Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Close To Monsters #69

CTM69

This weeks comic is brought to you by the fact that the one person you can’t get to love you is you.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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PORCH #4

PORCH04

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Live In The Now, Die In The Future

Over the last year or so, my girlfriend and I have acquired multiple big kitchen appliances like a crockpot, a dehydrator, an electric kettle, a popcorn popper and a blender. The problem with this is that they’re all in our tiny bedroom that we rent in a house with other people. So, we own all the appliances and furniture necessary to outfit a small apartment, but we cannot get the apartment.

I know this is going to sound super negative, but I feel like we’re preparing for a life we’re never going to attain. I don’t want to sound that low, but it’s how I feel. We’ve tried so much in the last year to survive, to move up and make things better, and NOTHING has worked. It’s fucking depressing. I’ve essentially given up hope, which is something one should not do in these sorts of situations, but it’s where I’m at, so. But this problem extends far beyond this year. This isn’t just contained to this one bedroom. I’ve talked before about how weird it is to try and make a life when you didn’t expect to live to be this old, but aside from that, I also have always felt like I was preparing for a life I would never have.

I have always had a problem with being in the present. I was always thinking about what was coming up. When I wasn’t planning on ending my life, I was trying to figure out how my life would turn out. The problem is, I couldn’t see a solution to either one. It was like looking down a forked path in the woods and somehow both lead to a fogged up dense thicket that eventually leads you to walk right off a goddamned cliff. So because I couldn’t be in the present, and was always thinking about the future (or lack thereof), I never prepared to have a future. I never did the things necessary, once I knew I wasn’t going to die, to make sure my life got better. I just sort of…existed. Do you know what that state is like? To just sorta…be? It’s weird, dude.

You don’t really participate in anything because you see your life as becoming one thing, so you don’t wanna do anything that could become a detriment to that vision, so you just float along, taking in whatever’s going on around you. Dealing with things as they come. Never actually planning for anything, just wishing they were different. Wishing they were how they should be. It didn’t help that my parents didn’t prepare me for jack shit. Nobody taught me to drive, so nobody helped me get my license, so I was stuck wherever they went. I couldn’t work so I was stuck with my mother for much longer than I should’ve been, given how she treated me, and it was awful. I couldn’t leave. That’s when I started realizing I wasn’t solely to blame for my lack of a future. You can’t put together a dresser when nobody ever gave you the tools to start.

These days, I do my art (that nobody seems to notice) and I make sure to take care of the things I have to on a daily basis. Taking out the trash, feeding the dogs, etc. Now I’m trying to be in the moment. I’m trying to think, “the future will come, and there’s things I can try and do to prepare for it, to create it, but it’s not here yet, so there’s no point in obsessing over it.” It’s helped a little, but I still have my doubts, because that’s the thing about anxiety and depression and abuse all rolled into one. You’re never absolutely certain things will work out, even just a bit. You’re always just sorta expecting things to go to shit at all times. But I’m working on it. I’m working on me.

But the funniest part is that because nobody else ever taught me to do anything, how to prepare for anything, that it means I’ve had to do it all myself, sans some help from my girlfriend. Where I once felt I wasn’t worth enough to be loved and helped, now I feel “hey, you did this for yourself, you didn’t need them, you can do this!” and it helps fix my broken self esteem. So okay mom and dad, maybe I wasn’t important enough to you. But I should be important enough to me.

You might’ve made me hate myself, but I’m working on liking myself, and that makes me a better person than you will ever be.

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I make, like my depressing webcomic “In Space, No One Can Hear You Cry”, the new season of my podcast “Coping With Tonal Shifts In Reality”, or my writing over at Medium. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!