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PORCH #35

PORCH35

You are not your trauma, but your trauma is certainly a part OF you.

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I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find epubs/books/stickers/prints over at my Payhip , or support my work monthly at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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Close To Monsters #89

CTM89

This weeks comic is brought to you by down home cooking.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find epubs/books/stickers/prints over at my Payhip , or support my work monthly at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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If You’re Disabled & You Know It, Clap Your Hands

Here’s something you may not know about me. I’m really fucking insecure.

I’m not insecure enough to admit that I’m insecure, at least, but I’m really fucking insecure otherwise, yeah. I get jealous when my girlfriend talks to other, much prettier, and honestly much more interesting, girls than myself, and I constantly worry that the people I do allow myself to consider my friends aren’t really my friends and are only there out of pity. I guess this is the result of people hurting you your entire life. This is what you become, if you’re me anyway, and also really weak. I really don’t like this facet of myself, it causes me, and others, a great deal of pain, but here’s the thing…

…I can’t really stop it. Not in full. And I know what you’re saying, you’re saying “well now, that’s not very constructive of you! you gotta think positively! believe you can change and you can! all it takes is effort!” and you’re not wrong, buddy, but it’s not exactly that I lack conviction, goodness knows I’ve kept up with projects for years and for the last few years in particular I’ve been working on bettering myself in numerous ways, and I think I’ve done fairly well, thank you very much. But no, it’s not that I lack conviction. It’s that I lack literal brain power to do so. See, when I was born, my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck, and I didn’t breath for the first few moments of my life. This led to some brain damage, and I literally am incapable of learning certain things, knowing how to do certain simple things, and in some cases, bettering things.

And I know that this sounds like an excuse, but it isn’t. I’ve got a lifetime of experience to be able to prove how sincere I’m being about this situation. But what hurts even more than this reality is the fact that people do not take disabilities they cannot see seriously. I was on a bus last year and an older woman came onto the bus. I was sitting on the front bus seats, because it was cramped elsewhere and I was carrying a lot of bags (I believe I was bringing groceries home) and my back was killing me. When she didn’t have a place to sit, because the front was all filled up, I could feel people judging me silently. This isn’t fair. My father pushed me down the stairs as a little girl, and my back has never been the same since. I have been to chiropractors all my life. Sometimes my back gets so tweaked that I have to literally lay in bed for two or three days so that I can resume my life. I am disabled. Just because I am 30 doesn’t make me any less disabled. It doesn’t fucking go away with time. If anything, it gets WORSE.

Same thing with my brain. My brain and my back are damaged, and yet people continue to ignore these facts. Lots of people ignore them because they cannot see them, and that’s, while shitty, at least understandable. But what irks me most are the people I trust, the people I love, who cannot accept it, or refuse to, or DON’T BELIEVE ME. That shit hurts. Genuinely hurts. I am so sick of having everyone around me think I’m okay since I appear moderately functional. I don’t sit in a wheelchair and I can think rather soundly about a lot of things, and this apparently gives society carte blanche to feel that, just because I lack things they consider to be associated with disabilities, that I am not disabled. I AM. In more ways than one.

I am so tired of being judged by society for things I didn’t cause, that aren’t my fault, and that I cannot fix.

Yes, it’s manageable, but that doesn’t make it fixable. I wish people would learn this.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find epubs/books/stickers/prints over at my Payhip , or support my work monthly at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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30 Going On Infinity

I’m turning 30 in six days.

I’m not scared of aging. As much as the concept of eventual nonexistence may make me slightly unnerved, I’m actually not scared of aging. I have an entirely different problem, and that’s that I didn’t expect to live to be 30, and now I don’t know what to do with my life, and I’m having an ever ongoing mid life crisis. I remember sitting in my room as a little girl, or even a teenager, and thinking “wow, I probably won’t live past 20”. Then I hit my twenties, and I was like, “well, okay…guess I should do something with my time”. So I did what I’d always done. I made art. I wrote books. I’ve been doing this for fifteen years and nobody really cares and I’m never going to be successful at it, but it’s kept me going, despite the feeling that I don’t want to live to see another birthday every year.

But then something happened. Suddenly creation wasn’t enough to keep me around, or interested in sticking around to see it finished. See, I used to believe that if I start something, I had to see it through to the end, and that because that might take a while, it would keep me alive for a longer time. That was how I managed to stick around. But now I’m not caring anymore. The one thing I’ve sunk my entire life into isn’t yielding results, financial or otherwise, and I don’t care anymore. It no longer does anything for me. I struggle to come up with comics, or write stories, and at this point, I no longer care if I see a project through to its end. But…but, because I’ve done this for so long, because it’s such a part of me, I can’t just stop, so I have to keep doing it, which keeps me alive, despite the fact that I really no longer want to be alive.

I thought I was getting better. I really did. For the last 4 years or so I’ve used this blog to sift through my emotional and mental states and work on them, work on the things that traumatized me and so on, and move on to a healthier body and state of mind. But now I’m going to be 30 in six days, and…

…I really don’t care anymore. And that’s scary. Your birthday is supposed to be a celebration of the fact that you survived another year, but for me, it’s a reminder that I’ve survived another year, when I really don’t want to. I’m in a lot of trouble, guys. I recognize that, at least. If something doesn’t change, drastically change, and soon, I may not have enough of a reason to stick around anymore. I need to see some sort of return investment from the thing I’ve sunk my life into for it to be worth it at this point, and not even monetarily, but just even knowing people SEE it and ENJOY it would be enough. But I doubt that’ll happen. Everyone just ignores me. Even my “friends” don’t respond to me anymore. Oh they see my messages, my e-mails, whatever, but they don’t respond. Friends I’ve had for years, yeah, they don’t respond anymore. And I can’t blame them, either. I wouldn’t respond to me either.

…happy birthday to me, I guess.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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PORCH #18

PORCH18

Remember, if the emperor looks naked, the emperor IS naked, and that’s called indecent exposure and you should call the police.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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PORCH #13

PORCH13

Nothing cuts through unhappiness like a Ginsu.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!

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PORCH #11

PORCH11

I think my favorite thing so far about this comic is coming up with ridiculous physical manifestations of complex psychological issues.

Buy My Book!  Support Me Via Patreon!  Visit My Online Store!

I’m Maggie. If you like this thing I made, you might like some other things I’ve done, like my 2015 novel “You Ruined Everything”, my podcast network “The Feel Bad Network” or my feed over at Ello. You can also find some published work for sale over at my Payhip , buy prints/stickers and more at my online store on Big Cartel, or support my work at my Patreon! Anything helps & is appreciated, thanks!